Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I'm just angry ok?


I've been in this funk the last couple days - for the longest time I couldn't figure out why.  Last night we watched Brian Doerksen's Level Ground video with our bible study and for some reason, which I can only deem completely unrelated to the video, I realized that I'm just angry.  That's all.  I'm angry.

I'm mad at my hubby. I'm mad that he is susceptible to temptation.  I'm mad that he's not strong enough to overcome his weaknesses (even though he's come a long way). I'm mad that he forgets that I hurt so much deeper than he can imagine.

I'm mad at those people we've confided in and looked to for guidance.  The ones that are, dare I say, obligated, to reach out to us, for support and accountability. I'm mad that they haven't been there for us.

I'm mad because I feel like I have no one to support me.  Who wants to hear about these things? It's dirty, taboo laundry in Christian circles.  No one wants to ask about things like this, can I blame them for not asking?

I'm mad at God. I've never had the guts to express that before but there.  I'm mad at God.  I'm mad that I don't feel strong. I need His strength but I don't feel strong. 

And mostly I'm mad at myself.  I'm mad that I let this get between me and God. I'm mad that I haven't been the prayer warrior for my hubby that he needs me to be. I'm mad that I can't be there for him when he needs me.  I'm mad that I can't meet his deepest need without feeling used and dirty.  I'm mad that after all this time I still feel like nothing has changed. When will it get better? Will it ever feel better?

Oh and I'm mad at my mom too, but for completely unrelated reasons.

1 comment:

~*bella said...

I would love to talk to you about this and listen to you and support you. I too have been in a very similar place and just reading your posting, some of that pain and anguish and deceit wells up in me. It hurts. It really, truly does. Stay with God no matter what. He will help you and will not leave you to deal with this on your own. Do not blame yourself for feeling dirty or used. You were not created to feel dirty or used! Please reach out to me. I'm hear for you.abbismomma@gmail